Learn to Say No

“Learn to say “no” without explaining yourself.” 

I accommodate.  And when I accommodate others, my reward is the indulgence and entitlement I feel with life on my terms.  So, saying “no” is a big part of building the life I want.  Problem is, I hustle the no.  I hustle my self-worth.  And when I am giving someone else everything they want, and they are giving back to me all the validation I think I need to feel good about myself, it’s really, much harder to say no.  Thankfully, life is teaching me the truth, that it’s an incredibly unhealthy way to live.  It’s unhealthy when indulgence is the reward for the extreme self-sacrifice.  It’s unhealthy when my sense of self is only determined by the mirrored reflection of others.

I am practicing ways to say NO.  No, I don’t think we can do that today, but I appreciate you thought of us.  No, I don’t want to turn on the tv.  No, I don’t want to eat that.  No, I asked you to clean your room and I’d like you to do it first.  No, I am not taking a break.  No, I am not spending money.   No, we have to get going now.  No, thanks though. 

I guess it isn’t that bad to say no.  But saying no, without the hustle, requires surrender and acceptance.  I surrender to whatever reaction might happen in response to the person I just told no.  I accept who I am, what I want and need when I say no and leave it alone.  When I am embracing the moment, I become aware of all the ways I can let go of the need to explain myself, how to assert my own power in healthy ways, and to build healthy boundaries.

I have an ongoing dynamic with another woman.  We used to commiserate over how difficult our lives were, stay strong in the suffering of inaction.  I don’t live that way anymore, so the friendship has shifted.  I know when I say no to her, she will take it personally.  I have to let go, surrender and accept, that it’s not my burden or my business for how she responds.  I am saying no to the activities she wants to do because they do not serve me or my family well.  My saying no actually has little to do with her and everything to do with me.  And that’s what I never understood about no.  I always took no personally.  I turned no into me being a victim.  So, the coping response to no is the hustle of explaining, reassuring the other person, denying what I know I need to do.  Embracing the moment allows me to stay in action to what serves me well, showing me how to recognize the other person’s reaction is not mine.  When I am saying no to someone else, I am saying yes to myself.  Yes, I see what I need and I am going to do it.  Yes, I see what you want me to do, but this is what I want.  Yes, I hear that is upsetting to you, but this is who I am.  No I am not going to do what you want, I am going to do what I need.  

For so long, what I thought I needed was to give others everything they wanted so they could give me everything I needed.  Embracing this moment teaches me to give what I need to myself.

Can you say no without the hustle?  How does embracing the moment allow you to honor your needs?  How can Aubrey assist you in this awareness?

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