By a parent. A spouse. A child. A friend. A stranger. A loved one. A coworker.
Unwanted. It means we weren’t a priority, we were less valued than the conditions required to want us.
We think, What’s wrong with me that I wasn’t enough?
And that’s the wrong question to ask. In the midst of rejection, in the feelings of unwanted, it is essential to remember someone else’s priorities do not determine our worth.
Realizing we were unwanted, rejected, turned down, begs the question:
Where Does Feeling Unwanted Get Me?
Feeling Unwanted Allows Me To Be Free
When we begin to feel unwanted in a relationship, we struggle with our feelings about ourselves. We feel the urgency to prove otherwise. I am good enough, don’t you see? And we work harder and harder to prove it. When we allow the feelings of rejection, proving our inherent worth is no longer required. We are free. Free to be wanted or unwanted. And, free to be accepting and allowing and compassionate about it, both to others and to ourselves.
Feeling Unwanted Allows Me To Be Aware
When we refuse to acknowledge the rejection, we are not living in the present moment. We are living in the secret lies of the incessant needs of proving our own worth. It becomes the lifestyle. It becomes the pattern. It becomes the false truth of how we live our lives. I can’t go after that job because I won’t be able to do it. I won’t ever have the life I want because I don’t deserve it. I’m never going to be happy because he doesn’t love me, and I will never find anyone to take care of me the way I want. These are lies. We tell ourselves these things to avoid the truth of the initial rejection, when in fact, we are simply rejecting ourselves repeatedly. When we feel the I am unwanted by this person feelings, we are aware, we are present, we see the truth. Recognize, the truth is not that we will forever be unwanted. The truth simply is that we are unwanted by this person at this time because they choose it. There is no long term meaning. No predetermined destiny for us. We need simply be aware, have the courage to feel the feelings, and live independently of the need to be wanted by everyone.
Feeling Unwanted Allows Me To Be Lovable
We all have every right to live a good life. Each of us brings goodness and wholeness and light to the world. We are lovable simply because we are alive and breathing. When we are rejected by someone we love, or someone we look up to, we feel unwanted, perhaps even unloved. When we avoid these feelings, we continue to believe the thought I am unwanted. Don’t you see? It’s only when we allow ourselves the discomfort of the thought, that we can work through the story, we can ground ourselves in the emotion of knowing, that while we were unwanted by this person, it has nothing to do with our ability to be loved. Nothing. It simply says how this person may think of themselves and of us, but it does not determine a single thing about us. We are each in charge of wanting and loving ourselves first.
Feeling Unwanted Allows Us To Build The Life We Want
For me, avoiding the feelings of being unwanted, increased a desire and tendency for destructive life patterns. Resentment. Entitlement. Sabotage. I wouldn’t get to have the life I want because I got in my own way, because I led my life with a core belief that I was unwanted, that I didn’t deserve it, that I wasn’t going to get it, that if I was going to be lucky enough to get it, I had to talk about it and prove why I was so entitled to it. Taking personal inventory of those thoughts, those life patterns, I am able to see, those were my choices, my ways of compensating for the rejection from someone, someone that likely loved me but simply made their own life choices. Each of us is responsible for navigating our own lives, of determining what it is we want from each other, from the world, and for ourselves. I build the life I want, while you build the life you want. If we are each doing our best, to love, to honor, to live in truth and integrity, that’s all we can ask and give to the world.
Honor each moment, allowing all that it has to give and teach you. Make good, healthy choices. And build a successful, happy, love filled life.
While some of these deeper issues ought to be addressed with a therapist, after you have the central awareness of feeling unwanted as a life pattern, as your Transition Life Coach, I can help you stay present to these tendencies and triggers, and still continue to build the life you want. If you are ready, tired of feeling stuck, and want a manageable strategy to move forward with your future, contact me today.