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Clunk.  Clunk.  Clunk.
The elliptical machine we scored off of Freecycle. 

I turn the music a little louder.
Try again.

This isn’t going to work.  
It’s almost 100 degrees in the garage.
This isn’t going to work.  

I fiddle with the pedals.  Then the wheels.
Try again.

This is what you get for trying to workout.
The sweat drips down my back.  My head hurts.
This is what you get for thinking you can do something for yourself.  

I stop.
I scream.
The feeling of overwhelm hits me.
Disappointment.
Isolation.

My partner comes out.
I think he’s coming to check on me.  How sweet.
I’m just going to make some soup.  I’m getting really hungry.
I have plans for dinner.  It’s almost dinner time.

Annoyed, I feel unsupported, lonely.
Doesn’t he know how hard I’m working?
I complain.  He listens.
We are both annoyed now.

My thoughts scream at me.
Loudly.
Don’t you see, Aubrey, you are meant to be fat forever!
This is what you get for trying.
You’re not allowed to do anything for yourself.
No one will ever take care of you.  

I stop.
The sweat and tears stream down my face.
Hit the surface of my lips.
Salty.

My triggers.
All of them.
Showing up so beautifully.
Bringing clarity to this exact moment.

When I am disappointed, I feel isolated and lonely.
When I am disappointed, I eat.

I go inside the house.
It’s cooler.
The fresh breeze of the fan blows against my back, as if to push me forward.

I tell him:
I need this time, and I need your help.  You can eat whatever you want.

He stares at me.
Those statements shock him.
I would have come in the house and made a huge ordeal.  Tried to control every detail.  And continued the pattern of disappointment, loneliness, eat.  Instead,  I state my needs, and let him do what he wants to do.
This is embracing change.

I sit down.
Exhausted.
From the clarity and the attempted exercise.
My thoughts are quiet, determined.

Sometimes it’s not the wrong goal, just the wrong timing.
Don’t listen to the thoughts that tell you you’ll never do it.  You will.
Just make the best of your opportunities.

I take a deep breath.
Clarity.
I am embracing this moment.

I am embracing this moment.

Emotional triggers can be powerful forces that attempt to sabotage the life we are building.  When we remember that they are just thoughts, when we remember we can choose to act or not act on our emotions, is when we have the powerful center, a place to make healthy life choices, a place of security, a place to call home.   Are you aware of your emotional triggers?  What are they saying to you?  

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14 thoughts on “Clunking for Clarity, All In Good Time

  1. Such a great point, how we let emotions rule us. We can only be emotionally and physically healthy when we set all that crap aside and let it go~ peace :)

    • Thank you, Lisa! I know. It’s a matter of mindfulness. So much of our lives revolve around instant gratification, automatic validation, that to sit with something unpleasant, especially a thought about ourselves, and let it be, make a choice about how to react. Powerful place to be.

      Many blessings and abundance to you.

    • Thank you very much Tilla! When I started blogging years ago, it gave presence to those critical, secret, silent voices. I find it incredibly powerful to simply write it out, clarify the truth, and claim the power of it.

      Your blog and website are amazing! I really look forward to reading your posts as this challenge and journey continue! Thanks for stopping in to read, as I appreciate your perspective and time. Best to you!

    • Thanks Kieta! We’re all working toward something, and now and again, our critical thoughts can take over a moment. Thankfully, I could reground and regroup and remember the truth I’ve worked hard for these past few years…We are enough…no matter what. Thanks again for the support!

  2. This is incredibly powerful. I know, I’ve had some of these same thoughts. Recently I admitted to myself that I don’t know how not to overeat. I still haven’t identified my trigger, but I was proud of myself for admitting this and saying it out loud.

    • Thank you Chiquandra! Staying present to when I turned to food was a really powerful experience. And, don’t get me started on the courage it takes to say it out loud…very powerful. I’m proud of you too! :)
      Have you found any of Geneen Roth’s books helpful?
      Thanks for stopping by to read.

  3. You’e done a fantastic job of giving voice to this problem– and it’s one I’m all too familiar with. I used to eat when I got upset, and I’m still more than a bit of a chocoholic. Unlike you, though, I don’t think I realized I was doing it until after I’d switched to a different method of coping– namely, bicycling. Granted, it bears the consequence of giving me precious few emotional outlets when the weather gets bad, but overall it’s much healthier in a lot of ways.

    • Bicycling! A healthy alternative, for sure. I think that point your raise in particular, was what I found so frustrating about the elliptical, is that I LOVED it, and in that moment, it just wasn’t going to work out. Coping with all the emotions that came to the surface, especially all at once, was a really healthy place for me to be.
      Thanks for stopping by to read! :) Hope you have good bicycle weather!

    • Hi Sharon! Thanks for stopping by to read! I actually did the image on my phone! It’s a mobile app called Photo Grid. I always take pictures on my phone, so it was great to find it. I can play with photos whenever I find a few minutes, and then they’re ready when I need them. It’s a great creative and peaceful exercise for me. :)

  4. Great post, Aubrey. Thanks so much for sharing your heart so openly. I find knowing our triggers is so key to creating change and living a joyful and balanced life. Also, I have found loving ourselves to be important in creating change and being gentle is sometime as important as pushing hard. The voices that drive us are often not our own and finding our own loving inner voice can really help to be motivated and self-disciplined in a new and healthier way. This has definitely been a big part of my journey. Happy to connect with you through the 31 Day Blog Challenge and looking forward to exploring together. Have a beautiful day!

    • I’ve done quite a bit of work to find that loving inner voice, Beth. You’ve touched on that so beautifully in your response. Those voices, they were there to protect me as a child, from the chaos and dysfunction, and while I may have needed the protection as a kid, I surely can comfort the voices in saying I am a powerful force in protecting myself now. I think I wrote this post with the intention of airing those voices for others, in the hopes that the awareness could be opened up, the shame could be lifted, and compassionate healing could begin. When I embrace the moment, I allow myself to love myself, to know myself, and to simply be.
      It’s nice to know this has been a part of your journey too. I look forward to reading your posts…

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